The family and friends that I have told are trying to be strong and not show that they are worried about the situation, but I can see the concern on their faces. I feel like I have to be strong, not just for myself but for them as well, while we wait for the second set of results.
I haven't even been able to bring myself to cry. I don't feel like I can allow myself to be vulnerable. I have to be strong. I have to be a good boi and not show my fear.
I've been trying my hardest to distract myself with whatever I can think of. I went out dancing the other night, which I never do. Two of my best friends had me over last night for movies and pizza to get my mind off of everything. Going out to dinner, listening to music, any little thing I can to not think about it.
As I wait for the results of my confirmatory test I'm filled with a mix of many different emotions.
- Fear of what might happen going forward and how my life might be affected by this.
- Anger at myself for allowing this to happen, as well as anger to the man who lied to me.
- Sadness that this is happening to other people as well because the people they were with were not truthful.
- Thankful that I have a great support system of loving friends and family.
I'm going to be strong.I am going to focus on staying healthy for a long, long time.
I used to know an Anglican monk who would meditate using this mantra:
Breathing in I calm my spirit,
Breathing out I sigh.
Living only in this moment,
I know this is a beautiful moment.
--Boi
Boi,
ReplyDeleteYou are a strong boi with determination and perseverance. I too am a boi and care for you because we share the same Master. My heart is sad and angry because of what happened to my brother. Please know when you do cry, scream, yell, and do whatever else you do when your walls of distraction begin to crumple, know that I am here and most importantly Master is here. You will have a visceral cry when it happens. Let it out. You have so much more to do and accomplish in your life. You are loved.
Jon
Thank you Jon for the encouraging words. It really means a lot to me to hear you say that and to know that my brothers care.
ReplyDeleteBoi
Just on a personal note, crying is not a sign of vulnerability, but a sign of strength.
ReplyDeleteIts easy to put on a face for the world to see. Its hard to let your emotions be free.
Just take time to cry, even for just 5 minutes alone. It will do you a WORLD of good! Trust me!